Category: Uncategorized

On Burnout, part 1 (content warning: mental illness, self-harm)

I am no stranger to burnout. In fact, this year I made a determination to take better care of my physical and mental health, and in Buddhism whenever we make a big determination, we face obstacles. One thing I’ve been noticing about me is that I tend to burn out very quickly. In my first year of college, I wanted to take on as much as possible, and I’m glad I took on the challenge, but I remember I wasn’t taking care of my health much during that time. I decided to work two work-study jobs, one in the dining hall as a dishwasher and the other as a pre-K teaching assistant at a daycare. I had a heavy courseload and also was burning the midnight oil well past my bedtime. My roommate would turn off her light around 9 pm, and I was determined to stay up until 12 or 1 in the morning poring through my philosophy textbooks, studying each book several times and perfecting every draft of every essay I wrote. It’s no surprise that I would come into class feeling tired and sleepy, and I would nod off during class. I would at first start off enthusiastic and alert, but as the class went on, I found my notes started to get a little less legible and my eyelids were feeling rather heavy. Before I knew it, I was dozing off at my desk in just about every class that I took. It wasn’t that the lessons were boring; they were very interesting topics. However, when you’re running on four hours of sleep each day, your body soon starts indicating that this is not a sustainable habit in the long run. And by junior year, I realized that it certainly wasn’t. During my first and sophomore year, I found myself gradually becoming more tired, more irritable and more withdrawn. And by junior year, I had hit rock bottom with my mental health. That fall semester there were several unarmed Black people that got killed at the hands of police, such as Eric Garner and Tamir Rice, and reading the news about police brutality made me feel disillusioned, frustrated, and depressed. I became a lot more hyper-aware of my Blackness, and going down the streets of the predominantly white town that I was in made me feel very self-conscious and unsure of whether people were looking at me because I was Black or whether they were thinking about what to grab for dinner or what time to pick up their kids from school (a.k.a not looking at me because I was Black). All I knew was that I was in a life state of pure Hell during that fall semester of junior year, and frankly I’m not sure how I even made it out alive, because I had lost so much hope in life. When I came back to school in my spring semester that year, I lost steam and was just running on fumes at this point. I had very little energy, I went to class feeling like a numb zombie, thinking everyone around me hated me and wanted me to disappear. I would go to bed a lot earlier than normal, which was great because my body needed to compensate for all the hours of sleep it lost due to my poor sleep hygiene those first two years.

I remember during my first year, I would hear gentle reminders from folks to take care of myself, to schedule fun time, to hang out with friends. The seniors often saw me running around during my first year juggling all these commitments, and they always reminded me to get sleep when they saw me staying up late in the hallway, click-clacking an essay on my laptop. I didn’t even go to senior banquet because I thought all I had time to do was study. However, the next day the seniors let me know, “Hey, we really missed you.” One of them gifted me a planner so that I could schedule time for myself, reminding me that college wasn’t just about the classes. At first, I got upset and offended when anyone told me to take care of myself and schedule time for self-care, but now that my body is recovering from years of being on all the time, I’m learning the tough way that self-care is a daily practice. I’ve also learned self-care doesn’t always need to be expensive. Sometimes self-care for me was taking walks in nature (as hard as it was to not have my own vehicle on campus, I did a lot of walking and I think that helped with my health to some degree), reading a book that wasn’t for class, or hanging out with my housemates. During my senior year I decided to try twerking for fun, so during study breaks I would twerk in my room to Iggy Azalea and other hip-hop artists’ music. I wasn’t very good at it, but it was fun, and it relieved some of my stress.

After college, I still had to learn that self-care is something I have to do every day, not just when I feel like it. And I learned that taking care of my body is important as a musician. In 2016, I auditioned for a local professional orchestra. I had this idea in my head that I would get the audition and be able to pay off my student loans just like that. Little did I know that it was a lot more challenging than I had envisioned in my idealistic mind. I remember shredding away at the audition excerpts for hours on end, without taking a single break to get up and drink a glass of water or exercise. I did go to the gym, but only sometimes, when I felt like it. I remember feeling really exhausted after practicing for three straight hours, and unfortunately, I still felt horrible about how I was going to do at my audition the next day. At around 2 am, I started harming myself, which is something I struggled with in my junior year of college. I didn’t want to be alive at that moment. Life felt too painful. The next morning, I lay in bed, feeling like life was over for me and that I should just give up. I didn’t have the energy to leave the bed, I didn’t have the energy to go to my orchestra audition later in the evening. I felt like a complete and utter failure. A relative who lived out-of-state called to check up on me, and at first, I missed his call because I didn’t have the motivation to answer the phone, but this time I answered and thanked him for calling me. He told me to take care of myself, and honestly, I think his phone call saved my life at that moment, because before he called, I had no hope and had lost the will to live. I made sure to rest my body before the audition, and in fact, that was all I had energy to do at that moment. About fifteen minutes before I had to go to the audition, I decided to chant to my Gohonzon (it’s the scroll I chant to morning and evening as part of my Buddhist practice) to have a good audition. I was terrified at this point about auditioning, and as I chanted the words “Nam-myoho-renge-kyo”, I started crying. I realized that I didn’t want to take my own life, I wanted to live, and I was tired of feeling numb. I cried on the way to my audition, and my dad gave me a hug. I got to the audition space (it was in a church) and the person helped me sign in. She was really nice. I went into a small practice room and warmed up with scales. It was an unrealistic expectation that I would play perfectly at this point. I just needed to focus on doing my best and getting through the audition. When it was time for me to go in (I saw only one other person going into the church to audition) I saw two people: the conductor of the orchestra and the principal cellist. They sat at a small table. I was nervous, but somehow because I chanted, I was able to be myself at that moment. I played “The Swan” by Camille Saint-Saens for my solo piece, and then did my best on the excerpts. Sure, I fumbled quite a few notes, but looking back, I did my best. I think because I chanted, too, I was able to have a very natural down-to-earth interaction with the conductor and the principal cellist. After the audition, my dad and I celebrated by getting Taco Bueno.

To be continued…

Movie Review: Mudbound

I just finished watching this excellent film on Netflix called Mudbound. I was going to purchase a rental on YouTube or Google like I usually do, but I had been wanting to see Mudbound for a while. I read it several years ago, I can’t remember exactly when, but I think it was around the time that the movie had come out and I wanted to read the book before watching the movie. The writing by Hillary Jordan, the author of the novel, was incredible and the story was also powerful. I can see why the movie got critical acclaim, because the film was excellent, and it gave me chills by the end credits. It wasn’t an easy film to sit through, but that is because watching racial trauma and also war trauma is never easy to watch. I remember watching Mary J. Blige perform a song on the movie’s soundtrack called “Mighty River” at the Academy Awards in 2018, and it gave me so many goosebumps. It was so uplifting and powerful. I honestly love Mary J. Blige and all that she has done during her career. I remember watching a performance she did at the Grammys last year for her song “Good Morning Gorgeous.” I had not heard the song yet, but the performance was so beautiful and man, I just got chills all up and down my spine watching her belt out and sing. I also loved the square-shaped cellos that the musicians were playing for the accompaniment because I am a cello player and always get so excited when I see classical musicians play at these hot events like the Grammys or the Golden Globes when the pianist Chloe Flower played.

The movie takes place in rural Mississippi during the 1940s, and it opens with two white men lowering a casket in a ditch. One of the white men, Henry, asks a Black family riding past if they can help him with digging the casket into the ditch. The movie shows the events leading up to this. Laura McAllan meets Henry McAllan when he comes to dine with her family. Henry has a brother named Jamie, who is also keen on Laura but is also kind of a player, so Henry warns her about Jamie flirting with her. Henry and Laura marry, and they have two daughters together. However, everything changes when Henry decides to move the family into a new house so that he can take care of his grandpa, Pappy. Laura is upset because Henry didn’t tell her that he signed the lease on the house, but she goes with him, and they pack up their things and head over to their new home. However, when they get there, it turns out that they got conned out of the arrangement and another man lives there, so the family is forced to live in a dilapidated shack outside of Marietta, Mississippi, near a Black sharecropping family, the Jacksons. Hap Jackson and his wife, Florence Jackson, are eating with their family one day, when Henry loudly bangs on the door and asks Henry if he can help his family get their stuff into their new place. Pappy is racist and make a lot of derogatory remarks towards Hap, and even though Henry and Laura try to ignore it, Pappy’s racism evolves into something much worse over the course of the movie. Laura has Florence come to work for her, and at first when Florence tells Hap about this, he tells her that she doesn’t have to work for this white woman and that they are fine doing their work sharecropping. However, Florence ends up working for Laura and even helping her when Laura has a miscarriage.

Meanwhile, Henry’s brother, Jamie, is fighting in the Air Corps during World War II. Ronsel, who is Hap and Florence’s son, also enlists in the U.S. Army. Even though both of them work in separate units, they experience the same trauma and disillusionment with their time fighting overseas, especially when they come back home. When he comes back home, Jamie struggles with alcoholism and post-traumatic stress disorder, and wakes up frequently from nightmares about the horrors he experienced while fighting in the war. One evening, Jamie is sitting with Pappy and Henry drinking and talking about his time in the war, and Pappy asks him how many German soldiers he killed. Jamie doesn’t want to talk about that, and Pappy thinks he is weak for not admitting how many he killed. This leaves Jamie feeling ashamed. In one scene, Jamie is helping out in the shed with his brother, Henry, but he is intoxicated and knocks over Henry’s pail of milk. Henry accuses Jamie of being careless, and tells him Jamie has no self-worth because he came home from the war acting like he was too good for farmwork, but he isn’t better than any of his family members. Jamie insults him and his family and Henry beats him up and tells him he needs to leave and get out of town. Similarly, Ronsel really enjoyed not facing a lot of racism in Europe, and when he comes back to life as a sharecropper, he finds the work degrading and is disillusioned that he doesn’t receive the same respect when he comes back home, even after serving in the war.

While in Europe, Ronsel falls in love with a white German woman and doesn’t experience the same kind of racism that he experienced in the United States. However, in one scene, when he returns home to get some groceries from the store, he tries to leave through the front entrance. However, Pappy and Henry confront him and tell him he can’t go through the front entrance because he is Black, and Ronsel informs them that in Europe, Black men were treated with respect, and they got to exit through the front doors. He leaves them stunned, and Henry confronts Hap and Florence about Ronsel speaking to his grandpa in a way that made it seem like he was talking back to white people. One day, Jamie is coming back from the same store and when he hears a car engine go past him, he drops his groceries and ducks because he thinks it is a fighter jet. He is recalling the traumatic event of when his fellow pilot was killed in the air while they were flying the plane. Ronsel sees him and helps him up, and the white men on the porch outside the store give him hostile looks. However, Jamie introduces himself to Ronsel and gives him a ride in his truck, and they ride back home and talk about the war and their experiences. They build a deep friendship, which is rare considering the time and the place that they live in. Ronsel develops so much trust in Jamie that he shows him a picture of the white woman he married in Germany and the child she bore after he left to go home. However, it comes at a huge price when Pappy finds out that Jamie has been talking to Ronsel and giving him rides, and Pappy rouses Jamie from sleep and leads him to a shed where members of the Ku Klux Klan have brutally beaten and tied up Ronsel after finding out that he fathered a child with the white woman in Germany, and they also beat Jamie for defending Ronsel. Jamie tries to shoot Pappy, but Pappy has the Klan members beat Jamie and then Pappy has Jamie choose whether Ronsel gets one of his body parts mutilated or is put to death. It was a horrific scene, and it reminded me once again of the degradation and dehumanization of Black people during this time of Jim Crow segregation. It reminded me of this movie I saw called Till, which is a biopic about the murder of Emmett Till, a Black teenager from Chicago who was brutally murdered in Mississippi for speaking to a white woman named Carolyn Bryant. The thing that really shook me about the movie (and which will remain in my psyche for quite some time) was the scene where Mamie Till, Emmett’s mother, mourns over her son’s mutilated corpse during an autopsy and when she has his casket left open so that everyone who attended his funeral can see how badly these men beat and mutilated Emmett’s body. Growing up, I always saw the photo of Emmett Till while he was alive, but I had never seen the photo of his corpse. And I was afraid to at the time, to be quite frank, but growing up my parents and ancestors lived through the time of Emmett Till, so they didn’t have a choice to look away because I’m sure it was all over the news. Even though the biopic Till is a historical drama, the makeup and prosthetics team made the body of Emmett Till very realistic looking, so when I finally saw Emmett’s body onscreen, it was disturbing to watch but also necessary for me to watch because otherwise I would have spent my whole life not knowing the extent to how brutal the murder of Emmett Till was and why Mamie had every right to keep speaking out against the injustice done to her son. I could feel Mamie Till’s grief and pain at the brutal and gross injustice done to her son, and even though it was extremely hard to sit through the wake scene and the autopsy scene, seeing those scenes reminded me how brutal racism against African Americans was during that time. Seeing Ronsel’s brutally beaten and mutilated body during this disturbing scene in Mudbound reminded me of how white people didn’t see Black people as human beings and went to great lengths to police their bodies and disenfranchise them. It was hard to watch, but it also showed me how virulent Pappy’s racism was. He was willing to go to great lengths to tear apart Ronsel and Jamie’s friendship, and it was painful to watch. It also showed me how much courage it took for Jamie and Ronsel to even be friends at the time and have these vulnerable conversations with each other, because through getting to know each other they realized that even during a time when white people and Black people used separate fountains and couldn’t integrate with one another without being punished, Jamie and Ronsel found similarities in each other’s shared experiences with fighting in the war, and through this shared experience they create a powerful bond with one another.

Another intense scene was when Hap falls off the roof of a house he is repairing and breaks his leg. This is interspersed with scenes where his son, Ronsel, is in the war and has to exit a tank that is going to explode, and one of his fellow soldiers gets severely injured and he is trying to find help, but no one comes. This is a suspenseful scene, especially with the church hymn playing in the background. Earlier, Hap is giving a sermon to a Black congregation in a shed, and then he injures his leg. It is painful, but because Florence helped out Laura when her daughters had whooping cough, Laura wants to return the favor, so she goes into Henry’s money stash and gets out money to pay for a doctor to treat Hap’s leg wound. Earlier, Henry expects Hap to get back to work even after Hap’s leg hasn’t healed yet, but when Hap tries to get up, he falls down again, further injuring his leg. But when Laura gets him the help he needs, he is able to work again and provide for his family. When he in bed, injured, he feels a sense of shame that he can’t be in a position to help out his family, especially because his wife is also juggling work for the McAllan family and sharecropping. Also, sharecropping is another huge theme in this movie. Even after the Emancipation Proclamation was supposed to free Black people from slavery, Black people continued to deal with disenfranchisement in other forms, one of them being sharecropping. Many Black people in the Deep South had few financial resources, so they had to continue working to provide for their families. So even after the Emancipation Proclamation, systemic racism still remained as an institution to continue to disempower Black people. Not only does the Jackson family work as sharecroppers but they also have to deal with racial trauma and also the brutal beating of their son, Ronsel.

Although in the movie they do show a white family who were sharecroppers working for Henry. In one scene Carl is about to lose his job after Henry loses one of his mules, and his wife, Vera, has to ask Laura that she and her husband can keep their jobs. Laura says that is out of her power and only Henry can make that decision. Later on, Vera appears pregnant, and at this time, Laura is also pregnant. Laura is excited when she finds out she is pregnant, but then when Vera approaches her, she finds Vera is distraught and has a knife. She asks Laura to drive her into town, but Laura tells her she can’t drive her into town because she got in trouble with her husband last time for driving (I assume it’s because she drove the doctor into town to help Hap with his leg and Henry is angry with her, so he got back at her by letting her not drive anymore.) But Vera fires back at her, telling her she has seen Laura driving. Vera then breaks down crying, and Laura reveals to the audience that Vera stabbed Carl to death. Vera’s situation reminded me how difficult the circumstances must have been for sharecropping families, both white and black, during this time.

Overall, this was an excellent film. Also, Carey Mulligan is an incredible actress. I love her movies, and she was really good in this one. I also didn’t realize this until later, but I remember reading a Buzzfeed review from 2021 by Nicholas Braun, who starred in this movie called Zola, and he mentioned working with one of the actors in Zola, Jason Mitchell, who plays a character in the film named Dion. Jason Mitchell is the actor who plays Ronsel in Mudbound. I also checked Wikipedia and realized I recognized him in this movie called Detroit, which is another excellent film. Also, the music in Mudbound is absolutely brilliant. I loved the film score.

Mudbound. 2017. Directed by Dee Rees. Rated R for some disturbing violence, brief language and nudity.

Movie Review: Amour

A few days ago, I watched a movie with my family called Amour. I had checked it out at the library a few months ago, but never got around to watching it. I finally decided I wanted to watch the movie. The movie took a while to get into, to be honest, and I had to get up and take multiple bathroom breaks (mostly because I woke up at an early hour and didn’t get much sleep) but I think by the end it became pretty suspenseful and I got more into it. If you haven’t seen the movie, it is about an elderly music teacher named Anne who suffers from a stroke and her husband, Georges, has to take care of her. Over the course of the time Georges is taking care of her, Anne’s declining health takes a toll on both her and Georges, to the point where Anne doesn’t have the will to go on living and Georges doesn’t want her to suffer anymore. It’s easy for me to think that I’m young and that illness and death are far away, but watching this film reminded me that illness and death is a reality for everyone, and it is painful to watch loved ones go through suffering. I think studying about life and death from a Buddhist perspective helped me have a deeper appreciation for life than I did before. At first, I just thought life was a waste and wondered what the point of my existence was, especially because at the time I had fallen in love with someone, and they were with someone else. I remember falling into deep despair at that time and wondering if I could go on with life if I could never be in a relationship with this person. But I remember reading a book called The Wisdom for Creating Happiness and Peace by the late Buddhist philosopher and author, Daisaku Ikeda, and he has a chapter called “Facing Illness.” He talks about the four sufferings in Buddhism: birth, aging, sickness and death, and how, through Buddhist practice, we can create meaning from these sufferings. He says that we should take practical measures to take care of our health, but he also says that health is not solely limited to the absence of illness. It’s really about how we can create value in our lives. He also says that even if someone has illness, their life is still worthy of respect. In a society that tends to shy away from talking about illness and death, this for me was a new perspective through which I could examine illness and death, because while we celebrate life and youth, illness and death are seen as things to be feared. Of course, it is incredibly painful when a loved one gets ill and dies, and going through the process of grief feels like a living hell most times. But as a young person, I think studying about life and death has been a huge benefit of my Buddhist practice because I have started to reflect on how I want to live my life. I was very jaded and cynical about life after experiencing heartbreak these past few years, but after practicing Buddhism I think that my perspective on life has changed. I want to appreciate every moment that I am alive, because I realize that life is precious, and I shouldn’t take it for granted.

Seeing Anne suffer from illness was pretty painful, and it was also painful for Georges. Him smothering her to death with a pillow was incredibly disturbing, but it just showed me that he also was starting to experience a lot of despair because his wife was in so much pain that she didn’t want to go on living. She had spent so much of her life as a pianist, but now that she is paralyzed on one side of her body, she can’t play it much anymore. So, when her student visits the house and leaves her a note expressing his sympathy to her, she feels sad because he gets to continue his art while she cannot continue to play. It reminded me of this movie I saw called Me Before You, because it’s about a young man named Will who becomes a quadriplegic after a seriously traumatic accident. When he becomes paralyzed, he loses his joy for life and starts to think about ending his life. He remembers that before he was quadriplegic, he could do all sorts of fun things with his life, especially traveling around the world. But he can’t do those things anymore, so he loses hope. And it’s painful for the young woman who is taking care of him, because she has this zest for life and to see this young man feeling hopeless and losing the will to live is painful for her. It is also hard for their grown-up daughter to see her mother suffering. When their daughter, Eva, tries to see her mom, Georges closes the door and prevents her from seeing Anne. When Eva finally sees Anne’s condition, she is in a lot of emotional pain. She tries to convince Georges to send Anne to a hospital, but Georges refuses because Anne doesn’t want to go to a hospital. This reminded me of this book I read called Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. My mother had recommended the book to me a couple of years ago. I read it and it was quite eye-opening to read about how we treat aging and death in American society. I had been learning about illness and death from a religious perspective, but I didn’t know much about how the elderly are actually treated in society. It addresses end-of-life care and how doctors can provide more support for patients approaching death. At first, it was an emotional challenge to read the book, because I have tried to avoid the topic of death for so long. But after so many of my close acquaintances and loved ones passed away from aging and illness, I began to want to learn more about illness and death and how to prepare for them. I don’t know if anything will ever fully prepare me for losing a loved one. I will still go through those stages of grief just like everyone else, but by having a deeper understanding of death, I have learned to embrace the process of grieving and understand that grief is not just something I cry about one day and get over the next. After my mentor, Daisaku Ikeda, passed away at 95, I was very, very sad and so was the rest of my Buddhist community. I still miss him so much, but I still read his writings because they give me courage, especially his book Discussions on Youth. I remember last year when a dear friend of mine passed away, I experienced tremendous grief. She was elderly, but she had such a vibrant spirit, and she always encouraged me to never give up. Experiencing grief reminds me of my own mortality and how I can better spend my time on this earth. Watching Amour presented an honest and real look at aging and dying and how challenging it can be for people to navigate these stages of life. It took me patience to get into the film, but I am still glad that I saw the film because it helped me understand that even though I am young, I need to appreciate the elderly people in my life before they pass away.

Amour. 2012. 127 minutes. Rated PG-13.

Movie Review: Close and a General Discussion Around Boyhood and Manhood

Disclaimer: This movie review does talk about suicide. If you or someone is in crisis, please call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

A few months ago, I watched the trailer for a Belgian film called Close. It was so touching and powerful that I wanted to watch the movie, so I decided to watch it last night. As you know, I love movies distributed by the film distribution company, A24, and honestly, after watching this movie, all I could think was, Man A24 you got me with these tearjerker movies! It was a very powerful story, and the acting was incredible. It is a powerful story about friendship, grief and love. The film score was also breathtaking, and by the end credits, my tear-ducts were exhausted, and I had a huge wad of tissues at my side.

If you haven’t seen the film yet, it takes place in rural Belgium and it’s about two thirteen-year-old boys named Leo and Remi who have a close friendship with each other. They ride their bicycles through the countryside on the way to school, they have inside jokes that they share with each other, and their bond is just so pure and authentic. There was one scene where they are eating together, and Leo jokingly slurps up his spaghetti noodle while placing his hands behind his ears, and Remi follows suit, prompting them and their parents to crack up. Remi is also an oboist in the school music group, and Leo and him crack jokes while Remi rehearses for his oboe recital. Leo also comes to Remi’s recital, which means a lot to Remi because he and Leo have such a special friendship. When Remi played his oboe solo, I broke down crying. It was just such a beautiful piece, and seeing the special connection that Leo and Remi share during that moment Remi is playing showed me how incredibly deep and beautiful their friendship is.

Seeing Leo and Remi share these incredibly natural moments together was so beautiful, which made the rest of the movie very devastating to watch. Leo and Remi’s friendship changes over time as the bullying at school continues and people start to make homophobic and unkind comments about Leo and Remi’s friendship. In one scene, a group of girls ask Leo and Remi if they are a couple, and Leo tells them that they are not. Remi wonders why Leo finds it so problematic that they have this kind of close platonic bond, and he tries to not let it affect his friendship with Leo. But Leo has changed. He has started letting the bullying get to him, so he tries to distance himself from Remi so that people will stop teasing them. However, Remi becomes hurt when he sees Leo is purposely trying to ignore him and distance himself from him, and he attempts to make new friends, but he has such a close bond of trust with Leo that it’s hard for him to feel comfortable making new friends. He even goes to visit Leo when he is playing ice hockey, and Leo tries to ignore him, but Remi wants to continue to support his friend. However, as Leo continues to distance himself, Remi becomes lonely and soon he stops coming to school. One day, on a field trip, the teacher is doing rolecall, and he finds Remi isn’t on the bus. While on the field trip everyone seems to be having a smooth and fun time, but then the chaperones have to get everyone back to the school since there has been an emergency. They head back to the school, and several parents are lined up to meet with their kids. Everyone gets off the bus, but Leo stays on. His mom comes to pick him up, and when Leo asks her to tell him what is going on, she tells him she will tell him when he is off the bus. But Leo insists on knowing what happened, so his mom hesitates then tells him that Remi died. Leo then has to navigate the intense painful grieving process that comes after finding out about Remi’s death.

The scene where Leo meets with Remi’s mother, Sophie, was powerful. Sophie works at a hospital in the neonatal unit, and one day Leo goes to work to visit her because he is carrying a huge feeling of guilt. He feels that he was responsible for Remi’s death, and he wants to let Sophie know that he feels that way. When she approaches him, he tries to tell her this, but he hesitates because he doesn’t know how she will react to his apology. Sophie tells him that she is at work and that he needs to come back another time, but she ends up giving him a ride home after finding out he took the bus to see her. While she is driving him, Leo confesses that he feels responsible for Remi’s suicide. Sophie gets quiet and then starts crying, and then she tells Leo to get out of the car. Leo gets out and runs through the forest. Sophie realizes that Leo might endanger himself because he feels so horrible about what happened, so she runs into the forest to get him back, and she finds him standing in the forest, holding up a large stick to defend himself. He is sobbing and is racked with so much grief and pain, because he regrets ostracizing himself from Remi and he realizes that no amount of guilt is going to get Remi back. Sophie understands this because she is also racked with grief at losing her son, and she embraces Leo in a huge hug.

There was another really sad scene where Sophie and Peter are eating dinner with Leo and his family, and Leo’s brother, Charlie, is talking about his plans to travel with his girlfriend. Peter suddenly starts crying because he is remembering his son, Remi, and Sophie gets up and goes outside because she is grieving, too. It just reminded me that suicide has an impact on loved ones, and even when you think no one will need you when you are around, it’s not true at all and when someone takes their own life, it really hurts their family, friends and people who knew them. It’s why, when Leo is in a group of his classmates and they are remembering Remi, he realizes that these people didn’t really know Remi like he (Leo) did because they were never that close with him. One of them talks about how Remi seemed like a happy person all of the time, but Leo knows about how Remi being ostracized was impacting his mental health, and so he questions the student, like “How do you know Remi was always happy?” And he finally leaves when the other students are sharing their thoughts on Remi because they all feel to Leo like very shallow remembrances. It reminded me of this book I read called The Reading List, and the protagonist has a brother who takes his own life. When she looks on social media, she finds people have written all of these shallow comments about her brother’s mental health and she realizes that these people aren’t offering genuine condolences because they rarely knew how deep his depression was or how hard it was for him to ask for help.

This movie also reminded me of the harm that homophobia has on kids, because I just feel like if the kids were more accepting of Leo and Remi’s friendship, then Leo wouldn’t have felt the need to ostracize himself from Remi. It would easy for me to tell Leo, Oh, haters are gonna hate. Just do you. But kids are still growing and forming their identities in a very cruel world that tells them that they can’t be themselves unless they hide who they are. Also, being ostracized hurts like hell, so it was understandable that Remi was feeling incredibly isolated because his one true friend no longer wants to hang out with him. It was painful to see Leo and Remi being called homophobic slurs and being disrespected. It also showed me though how ideas of manhood can influence kids and have a huge impact on how they view themselves. I used to use the term “toxic masculinity” but as I am learning more about it, I am coming to understand that masculinity isn’t in and of itself toxic. It’s cultural standards about how men should express their masculinity that can be a real problem. Gillette called this out in a commercial that featured boys bullying another boy, boys fighting and their fathers shaking their heads, laughing and joking “Boys will be boys,” and then these grown men catcalling women and engaging in sexual harassment. It then shows what happens when we have these tough conversations around outdated gender norms, and help these boys develop healthy self-esteem. They show these young men intervening when their fellow men try to catcall women and remind them how uncool that is, they show a father encouraging his daughter to affirm she is strong, and one of the dads at the barbeque breaking up a fight between two boys. I understand that the ad got a lot of mixed responses, and Saturday Night Live even parodied the commercial.

However, the first time I saw it, I got goosebumps and thought that Gillette did send a pretty important message about how, when men are forced to conform to stereotypes about what it means to be a man, they face a lot of stress to keep up with these unrealistic expectations, and it can lead to increased physical and mental health issues. It’s why I appreciate shows like Ted Lasso because they allow men to be vulnerable and also show what happens when men have spent years of their life not being allowed to be vulnerable, and how being vulnerable takes courage. Ted is trying to help these young men be the best versions of themselves, and he even starts a group where he and a few other men on the AFC Richmond team talk about their feelings with each other in an honest, judgement-free way. Ted also learns how it’s okay for him to ask for help, too, and that he doesn’t have to handle his panic attacks on his own. At first, Ted thinks it’s no big deal and that he doesn’t need therapy, unlike the young men he coaches on the team. However, when he has a severe panic attack, he realizes that he can’t deal with his panic attacks on his own and that he needs Dr. Fieldstone’s help. At first, it is hard for Ted to open up about his mental health, but when he goes through the intense process and opens up about his childhood and his life, he develops a close bond with Dr. Fieldstone and learns to trust her. Ted struggled to be vulnerable because he didn’t want to seem like he was letting anyone down, but what this show taught me is that it takes courage to admit you are struggling and need help.

The film Close reminded me of the power of friendship, but also of close male friendships. As a woman, I don’t have much insight into male friendships, but seeing these kinds of movies has helped me understand that male friendships can be just as complex and intimate as female friendships. Remi and Leo sleep in the same bed, they ride their bikes together, and they enjoy each other’s company. They just let themselves exist in each other’s company without a hidden agenda. Which is why it was painful to see Leo pushing Remi away. Leo starts doing stuff to distance himself from Remi, like kicking Remi out of his bed and forcing Remi to sleep in his own bed. It’s like the kids at school weren’t allowing Leo and Remi to define friendship in their own unique way. To fit in, Leo had to adhere to a certain idea of what it means to create friendships as a man, and Remi felt like he was losing Leo when Leo started acting differently towards him. It reminded me of this movie I saw called Moonlight, because there are two young men, Chiron and Kevin, who form a close bond with each other. Both of them admit to liking each other, and they kiss on the beach under the moonlight. Kevin is tight with Chiron and stands up for him, but then the school bully is picking on Chiron, and he wants Kevin to participate in the bullying. Kevin doesn’t want to betray Chiron’s trust, but he also doesn’t want the bully to beat him up, so he decides to participate in a cruel game where he has to pick out a young man in a circle to beat up, and he picks Chiron and beats him bloody. The bully gets off scot-free (I think) and Chiron ends up going into class and hitting him over the head with a desk, and Chiron gets arrested. Later on, when he is an adult, Chiron has adopted a tough-guy persona and is buff and has a set of grills, and he deals drugs. He has put on emotional armor so that he doesn’t get bullied like he did when he was younger. However, what breaks him emotionally is when he finally goes to visit his mother at a rehabilitation center where she is recovering from addiction. She admits she treated him poorly and loves him a lot, and they both break down in tears. When Chiron meets up with Kevin, they share a beautiful embrace and a really tender moment. This movie illuminated the beauty of men just being authentic and vulnerable with each other.

Close. Directed by Lukas Dhont. 104 minutes. Rated PG-13 for thematic material involving suicide, and brief language.

TV Show Review: Abbott Elementary, season 3, episode 9 (“Alex”)

I had been missing out on watching Abbott Elementary for the past couple of weeks. Every Wednesday at 8 pm I tune into ABC to watch the show, which is currently on its third season. If you haven’t seen Abbott Elementary, it’s a show created by the actress Quinta Brunson, who I used to know from watching Buzzfeed videos (she was with Buzzfeed around the time I was in college, and I loved watching her videos.) It takes place at Willard R. Abbott Public School in Philadelphia, and it’s about a team of teachers who do their best to educate the students and encourage them with the limited resources that the district provides them. Janine Teagues is an optimistic idealistic teacher who works at Abbott, and she makes many mistakes along the way but learns that these mistakes are learning opportunities. Her fellow teachers, Melissa, Barbara, Jacob and Gregory, are all in the same boat as her, and everyone is doing their best. Ava Coleman is the school principal who loves to goof off and be very relaxed about school rules. In season 3, she briefly becomes a serious micromanager who does away with her permissive principal-ing and decides to take away all the fun at Abbott to accord with the district’s policies. However, all it took to change serious Ava back into silly fun Ava was turning on “Back That Azz Up” in the gymnasium. Gregory has a crush on Janine, and Janine has a crush on Gregory, but at the time of season 1, Janine is still with her boyfriend, Tariq, who depends on Janine like a child and doesn’t treat her with respect. Gregory decides to start dating Amber, the mother of one of Abbott’s students, and at first, they are enjoying their relationship, but Amber realizes that she’s not interested in Gregory anymore, so they break up. Gregory and Janine are taking time away to figure themselves out, but there is still palpable sexual tension between them, and in season 3, this sexual tension gets hotter when Manny, one of the superintendents in the district, takes a liking to Janine. (The actor who plays Manny is pretty darn cute, by the way. Just sayin’)

In season 3, things change a lot. Manny tells Janine to apply for a fellowship, where she would follow her dream of working as a representative of the school district, and Janine wants it, but she’s not sure if she’s qualified enough and she also doesn’t want to leave her students at Abbott behind. Even though Jacob wanted the fellowship, as it is a very competitive fellowship that not everyone wins, Janine ends up getting it, but Jacob is proud of her anyway. The hardest part for Janine when Superintendent Reynolds offers her a full-time position at the school district is saying goodbye to her classroom. Which brings me to episode 9 of season 3, in which Janine tries to convince one of her students, Alex, to come back to school. Gregory lets Janine know that Alex is missing school to watch The Price is Right with his grandmother, and after calling Alex’s grandmother to ask her why Alex isn’t coming to school, he finds out that Alex is missing school because he misses Janine and doesn’t want to go to school if his favorite teacher, Janine, isn’t there anymore. Janine realizes that she has made a profound impact and significantly transformed her relationship with the people at Abbott. In season 1, Janine can barely control the class, and especially because there was one student, named Courtney, who made Janine’s life a living nightmare. Courtney got the class to sing the Pledge of Allegiance wrong (instead they sang “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Courtney, and they replace every “America” with “Courtney” as if Courtney runs not just Janine’s classroom but an entire nation.) However, Janine is also able to patch things up with Courtney, and she ends up building wonderful rapport with her students. Gregory and Janine decide to go to Alex’s grandmother’s house, and they end up sitting with Alex and trying to convince him to go back to school. At first Alex refuses because he wants Janine back, but Janine is honest with Alex and explains to him that people are going to leave your life at different points in life, and after a lot of convincing, they finally get him to come back to school. I’m really curious about what is going to happen to Gregory and Janine, because I’m getting the sense that Manny, the district representative who Janine works with, isn’t totally out of the picture.

Excerpt Draft from Babyface, something I am working on

Kat goes into the bar. Her friend, Miranda, is with her. Miranda goes up to the bouncer, a 6’4″ tall Black man.

Go on in, the bouncer says.

Kat tries to go in, and the bouncer shakes his head.

I need to see some ID, says the bouncer.

Miranda has already gone inside, even as Kat tries to wave her hands to signal, “Hey, buddy, can I get some help?”

Kat finally rolls her eyes, and shows her ID to the bouncer. The bouncer sees her age (30) and lets her in.

Sorry, I thought you were underage, so I had to ask, the bouncer says.

Kat walks into the club. Loud music is blaring. They find themselves crushed against the sweaty, horny bodies of college students and 70-year-olds trying to be young and free again. Kat finds them a seat at the bar. Miranda calls to the bartender.

Two beers, she calls out, sliding a $10 bill on the table.

The bartender gives a beer to Miranda, but not one to Kat.

Hey, um…my friend got us two beers. Where’s the other? Kat gently asks.

The bartender shakes his head.

I can’t give you beer. You’re underage. But I can fix you up a non-alcoholic drink if you want. Shirley Temple, Sprite, what do you want, hon?

Kat bristles. She has been called “hon” her whole life for having a babyface and it really annoys the hell out of her. Frustrated, she whips out her ID and practically shoves it in the bartender’s face.

I’m 30, okay? Freaking 3-0. Got it? she snaps.

The bartender just starts laughing until his ribs hurt.

Why’s that funny? Kat asks.

I’m sorry, the bartender says, it’s just…you don’t look 30! I-I-hahahaha–you just look like a teenager!

Kat frowns.

Anyway, beer coming up, he says, continuing to laugh. He pours beer from the tap and slides the glass to Kat.

Thanks, Kat says, rolling her eyes.

Miranda is looking around the club at all the boys. She spies a hot-looking tall guy with dark brown hair and blue eyes. His name is Bryan.

He’s cute, Miranda says, looking at Bryan up and down like he’s dinner.

Kat shrugs.

He’s ok. Not my type, but you should go talk to him, Kat says, sipping her beer.

You’re asexual, you don’t even have a type, Miranda says, rolling her eyes. Anyway, I’m gonna go over and introduce myself.

Have fun, Kat says, waving to her friend.

An older woman walks up to Kat and sits down.

Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, sweetie?

Kat groans. Not again.

Miranda saunters over to Bryan, who is dancing and drinking with his buddies. She tries to dance with him, but he ignores her.

Hey! Miranda shouts over the music.

Bryan turns around.

Oh, hey, he laughs. Didn’t see you there!

Miranda flirts with him.

You’re a good dancer! she shouts as she gyrates in an awkward fashion.

Oh, thanks! he shouts back. He motions to his buddies that he’s going to go home with Miranda.

Aw come on, man! Bryan’s buddies call out to him. You’re ditching us?

Bryan waves goodbye. His friend, Artie, raises his Solo cup.

Meet us tomorrow night at Brigsby’s! Poker and burgers, he reminds Bryan.

It’s a deal, bro! Bryan yells. He disappears in the crowd with Miranda. Miranda leads him over to the bar to introduce him to Kat.

Hey, bud, you good? Miranda says, running out of breath. Me and Macho Man are gonna head on out.

Kat looks at her, a little taken aback. They were supposed to navigate this rowdy territory together.

But we just got here, Miranda, Kat says.

I don’t care! It’s 12 am and I’m in the mood to fuuuuuuck!

Bryan gives Miranda an uncomfortable look.

This is Kat, by the way, Miranda says.

Bryan isn’t looking at Miranda anymore. He smiles shyly when he and Kat make eye contact. Kat is asexual so she’s not interested in him at first, so she just smiles.

Nice to meet you. Don’t worry, Kat, I’ll take an Uber home.

Miranda waves goodbye as she forces Bryan out the door to go back to her place. They’re walking down the street.

So…what’s your friend like? Bryan asks.

She’s a little naive. I don’t think she’s interested in dating, Miranda says.

Bryan gets a little sad but shrugs.

That’s understandable, he says. What do you do for work?

I’m a data analyst, Miranda says.

Bryan nods.

How about you? Miranda asks.

I’m a Spanish teacher, Bryan says.

Ay, Papi! Miranda starts flirting with Bryan again, looking him up and down like he is dinner. Hablas Español?

Bryan laughs shyly.

Si, pero necesito improvar mucho.

Well, you can speak all the Spanish you want to me, daddy, Miranda says, smacking Bryan’s butt. Bryan gives her a strange look but doesn’t say anything. They keep walking home.

Kat has left the bar. She doesn’t want to be around anyone anymore after her friend ditched her. She sits at home, reading Light in August by William Faulkner.

A Short Ode to Maggie Smith

A few years ago, I watched a series called Downton Abbey. If you haven’t seen it, it is about a wealthy family living on an estate in the early 20th century and the staff who work for them. Lord Grantham and Lady Grantham live a comfortable life with their three daughters: Mary, Edith and Sybil. Mary is the eldest and faces a lot of pressure to find a husband so she can carry on an heir. The staff at Downton also have their own backstories as well. Thomas Barrow is a closeted gay man, Mrs. O’Brien is super gossipy and is friends with Thomas until later in the show when she leaves to work for another lady, Anna and Mr. Bates have a thing going on that is really sweet, and Daisy and Mrs. Patmore have a really special bond. One of the characters I absolutely love, though, is Maggie Smith’s character. Maggie Smith plays the Dowager Countess at Downton Abbey, and when she meets Isobel, she is not happy because Isobel is trying to be chatty and friendly and show off her expertise as a doctor. In one episode, there is a butler named Mr. Molesley who has a rash on his hand, and immediately Isobel puts her doctor training to use and starts grabbing all sorts of tinctures and remedies for his hand, diagnosing the condition as erysipelas. Dr. Clarkson tells her gently to cool it, but Isobel insists on treating Mr. Molesley’s hand rash herself. However, the Dowager Countess only finds it amusing that Isobel is so quick to diagnose Mr. Molesley’s hand condition, and when she examines it she laughs and says that it is actually a rue allergy, not erysipelas. She walks off before Isobel can argue with her, and when the Dowager Countess walks off, she has this smug grin on her face. However, eventually the Dowager Countess warms up to Isobel, and they end up becoming good friends even if they don’t always agree on everything. The Dowager Countess has so many great lines, and I also love her elaborate and stylish hats!

I haven’t watched her older, older roles, but I love Maggie Smith as Professor McGonagall in Harry Potter. It was my first Maggie Smith movie, and I love her acting in that series. I really liked her in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, too.

7 Shows I Really Love

I remember when I was younger, my parents would limit my time watching TV to weekends. During the week, we were focused on school, so we weren’t allowed to watch TV. I think this helped immensely. I’m guessing the only exception to the no-TV rule was Oprah Winfrey’s show on ABC on weekdays. Oprah would often talk about important topics such as nutrition, getting out of debt and managing finances, and various disturbing life experiences, such as the woman who went to an ATM at night and had to beat up a man who assaulted her and claimed to be her husband. I loved a lot of Arthur and Between the Lions, and as I’ve grown older, I’m becoming more addicted to YouTube, which is technically TV to me. I am also starting to binge-watch a lot of shows. I always get this heavy feeling when a show is over, but then I understand that these people need to move on in their careers and do other stuff. These are a few of the TV shows I have binge-watched these past few years:

  1. Blackish: This was a really good show. I was sad when it ended but also understood that the actors needed to move on and do other things. It’s about a middle-class African American family living in Los Angeles who are trying to navigate living in a predominantly white neighborhood. Dre is the father of four (and later five) kids: twins Jack and Diane, his teenage son, Junior, his teenage daughter, Zoey, and his baby son, Devante. Dre’s parents, Pops and Ruby, live together with the family and they are hilarious. The show has some funny moments but also brings up serious issues, like one episode where Dre and his coworkers debated about the 2016 election and another where they are addressing police brutality in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. Dre also works as the only Black person in his department (until Wanda Sykes pops in some of the episodes to call out Stevens and Lido on their shit. Those moments were priceless.) so he has to navigate a lot of microaggressions and ignorance from his white coworkers and boss. I think one of my favorite episodes was “The Nod,” in which Dre and Pops teach Junior the importance of nodding to another Black person as a form of acknowledgement.
  2. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. At first, I didn’t know if I would be interested in it, but then I watched the first episode, and the minute Midge got onstage and started drunkenly talking about her husband having an affair with his secretary, flashed her breasts and got arrested, I was hooked. What I love about this show is that it showed me that failure is necessary for success. Midge fails many times during her standup career, but she learns what works and doesn’t and becomes a successful comedian through lots of trial and error. She also stays true to herself and remains down-to-earth, even when society tells her that she needs to fit their expectations. I remember one episode that stuck with me was when Midge meets this famous comedian named Sophie Lennon. Sophie has this gimmick she does where she pretends to be working class and from Queens, but in real life Sophie lives in a mansion and is very wealthy, and also incredibly pretentious. She tells Midge that to survive the competitive male-dominated world of comedy, she needs a gimmick and can’t be true to herself, but Midge proves her wrong because even though people don’t warm up to her at first, they eventually do, and they realize that she is in fact very funny.
  3. Downton Abbey. I remember seeing my mother watch this show a lot in May 2022 because it was going off of Netflix. I didn’t understand what the big deal was at first, other than that I kept hearing people talking about it. When in my cello lesson, my music teacher referenced the mood that a piece was trying to convey as being like Downton Abbey. The minute I watched the show, though, I could see why people liked it so much. Each character has such an interesting and rich backstory, and it wasn’t just about the wealthy Crawley and Grantham family but also about the butlers, the footmen and the chambermaids who work for them every day. At the time, I developed a crush on the actor who plays Thomas Barrow (Robert James-Collier). I got really attracted to his dark hair and tall stature, and so I kept looking up interviews about him because I thought he was really cute. Also the music was incredible; I really love the music during the scene where Mary and Matthew fall in love in the rain (the song playing is called “Such Good Luck”). I also love the friendship between Isobel and the Dowager Countess, and the competition between Denker and Spratt.
  4. Ted Lasso. I am so glad I got the Apple TV as a gift because watching Ted Lasso was a Godsend. Also, the same actor who plays Spratt in Downton Abbey is the same actor who plays Leslie Higgins in Ted Lasso (Jeremy Swift). I really love Ro Kent’s character. If you haven’t seen Ted Lasso, it’s about an American football coach named Ted who goes to England to coach a football league called AFC Richmond, despite not having any prior experience coaching UK football. He encounters a lot of obstacles when he first starts coaching, to the point where everyone is flipping him the bird and shouting at him a certain six-letter word (hint: it rhymes with “banker”), but over time people learn to appreciate his dedication to AFC Richmond. I also love the show because it addresses the importance of getting help when you struggle with your mental health. Ted suffers from panic attacks, and at first, he is reluctant to get help, even when Dr. Fieldstone keeps hinting to him that he may need to make an appointment to see her, and he laughs it off like it’s no big deal. But he realizes over the course of the show that even as he is taking care of and encouraging others, he needs to take care of himself, too. As someone who has been in a dark place with my mental health, I learned the hard way that toughing out a depressive episode or a nervous breakdown isn’t a great (or safe) thing to do in the long run, and delaying getting the help you need only makes the situation worse. There have been many times when I thought, I don’t need therapy, I’m fine! I can figure this shit out on my own! Or when I was first referred to a psychiatrist to get on medication, I freaked out and ended my therapy appointments. I often waited until I had gone through a crisis, until I was on the very edge, to ask for professional help, and honestly looking back, I would have trusted my gut sooner when it told me that all those periods of isolation and withdrawal from others, thoughts of death, lack of energy and appetite fluctuations, and loss of interest in hobbies and activities were probably a sign of something more intense than just “I’m sad.” I think that is why watching Ted Lasso encouraged me because it shows that seeking professional help and being honest about what you’re going through with other people can be a scary experience, especially because there can still be stigma around getting help, but it’s necessary for healing from these painful experiences. Which brings me to my next pick…
  5. Shrinking: After watching Ted Lasso I was so excited to find out that Brett Goldstein, who plays Roy Kent on the show, was on the writer’s team for Shrinking. Shrinking is another Apple TV show and it’s about a therapist named Jimmy who is grieving the death of his wife, Tia, and figuring out how to show up for his patients in the best way. He also has a strained relationship with his teenage daughter, Alice, who is also grieving the death of her mom. His colleagues, Paul and Gaby, help him navigate through his grief even when going through their own challenges as therapists. However, they also are not happy when he goes against the grain and decides to get more involved in his patients’ personal lives by spending time with them. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it backfires, but Jimmy develops genuine connections with his patients, namely a man named Sean, who keeps getting into fights and suffers from anger management issues. The writing of this show is absolutely brilliant, and each character has a unique personality. It also reminded me that therapists aren’t just therapists; at the end of the day, they are human beings with their own problems and worries. Honestly, after watching this show and other shows about therapy, I have more appreciation for the work that therapists have to do. Listening and helping people navigate complex issues such as trauma, grief, sexuality, and relationships isn’t easy and compassion fatigue is real, so that’s why I appreciate the work therapists do.
  6. Bridgerton. I kept hearing about this show a lot, and I finally decided I wanted to watch it to see what all the buzz was about. I admit, I have only read the first couple of books in the novel series, but I am anticipating season 3 of the show. I thought it was cool that Shonda Rimes was able to create this world of Bridgerton. It is the most racially diverse period drama I have seen in a while. Also, I really love it because the actress who plays Eloise Bridgerton is a Buddhist like me. She has this really awesome interview on Shondaland about how she used her practice of Nichiren Buddhism to overcome her challenges with mental health and become an actress. The interview really encouraged me.
  7. Succession. I am going to be honest, this was one of the more difficult series to get through. It seemed on the surface like a bunch of mean-spirited backstabbing and other shenanigans, but I love satire and dark comedy and this show is definitely a dark comedy. It’s about a multimillion-dollar media family named the Roys who argue with their dad, Logan, about who will succeed him as CEO if Logan becomes incapacitated or passes away. While none of the characters are necessarily great people, the show gives a glimpse into their humanity and each actor really brings the character to life. I started watching it after the show got numerous awards at the Emmys, Golden Globes and SAG-AFTRA awards. I wanted to see what the buzz was about, and at first I couldn’t get into the pilot episode, but as I watched the intrigues and the arguments and the suspense unfold, I couldn’t stop watching the show. I was also cooped up indoors during the time I watched it, and wasn’t going out much, so I had a perfect excuse to binge-watch the show. If I could have done it differently, though, I probably would have watched the show over a series of weeks. It’s emotionally intense, especially towards the end (no spoilers, I promise), so by the end I was pretty exhausted. I think the most interesting character relationship dynamic is between Tom and Greg, to be honest. Tom acts like this super confident person, but he treats Greg like a subordinate, and Greg also lacks self-confidence so he later on in the show becomes a pretty corrupt character. It kind of reminded me of when Nate Shelley in Ted Lasso became egotistical and tore up Ted’s Believe sign. He was a sweet character at the beginning, but he never got his dad’s approval, so he got upset and took it out on Ted. However, Nate redeems himself eventually after picking up an old hobby he loved. Greg is sweet and naïve at the beginning, but even he is trying to gain Logan’s approval and a taste of power at Waystar- Royco and he ends up following in Tom’s footsteps to chase after that power. I did fall in love with Greg’s affinity for California Pizza Kitchen in season 1, though. The music by Nicholas Britell in this show is absolutely incredible, too. The theme always gives me goosebumps because it’s so powerful. It’s this genius blend of hip-hop and classical and conveys the power and ambition that the Roy family and the other characters crave throughout the show. The writing is also really good.

The time I took a risk

Daily writing prompt
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
View all responses

In May 2022, I took a huge risk by quitting a full-time job without a job lined up. I had been thinking about it a lot, and had been applying for other jobs, but wasn’t getting many interviews. My mental health was also spiraling, and so I decided after thinking about it for some time that I should leave. Honestly, it was very difficult to look for a new job after quitting the job I already had. I also was living with my parents at the time, and we weren’t getting along. I just fell into a spiral of self-pity instead of taking responsibility for quitting my job. I also didn’t have a plan and looking back, I would have probably done things differently. At the time, I became depressed and also wasn’t taking care of my mental or physical health, and I just wallowed in shame about how I quit my job without doing anything to address the situation. So, I started exercising, and now I’m working again, but I’m realizing that self-care isn’t something that requires quitting my job. It is a daily thing I need to make time for, even if only a few minutes. I also realized that having hobbies and interests outside of work is important so that I don’t burn out. When I spent that entire year not working, I had a hard time engaging in my hobbies because I was worrying all the time about not having any savings left because I quit my job. While I definitely appreciate that I had the time to figure stuff out and leave my job, If I could do things differently, I would have been more patient with myself when searching for another job and would have put together a plan instead of deciding to quit with little money saved.